Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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