11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
