tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dick very happy bro
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
