I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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