Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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