The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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