dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
