I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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