i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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