all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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