I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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