I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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