Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
