you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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