Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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