Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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