Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
