how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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