Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
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Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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