I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize