i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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