How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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