i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
