Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
you never un-have a 4some
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
