It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
