I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
