I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
