he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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