There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
