He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
