After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
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I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
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You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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