My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
