I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
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can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
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I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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