Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
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I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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