I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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