When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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