I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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