i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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