Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
