They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
