He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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