I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
tell me about the eggs
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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