umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
