you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
