i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
