I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
And then he peed in my hair
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