peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
