it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
