she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
