TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
