i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
