I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
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Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
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So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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