We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize