The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
