I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Farmville is her only friend.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
