It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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